If you are a devout Christian who is afraid what will become of your pet when the rapture comes and you are whisked off to heaven, then have I found the organization for you.
Eternal Earth Bound Pets is a charitable organization designed with your needs in mind. Here’s the basics:
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.
Are you a confirmed Atheist? Make sure you meet these requirements as stated in the Websites FAQ section:
Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.
In case you are in fact a lifelong Atheist and don’t know anything about Mark 3:29, here it is (from the New International Version of the Bible … ideally, that should mean nothing to you):
But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.
So, if you’re holy, find a heathen and feel secure. If you’re a heathen, now is your time to do some good. But don’t do TOO much good. We wouldn’t want you getting yanked up to heaven against your will, leaving the poor pet all alone.